Everyone seems to be in a rush. A rush to get through college, or find their life purpose right now. I can’t do that to myself.

I spent some time talking with my parents about “the future”. A topic that included everything from how alive and well I would be to where I would live in 5 years and what I would be doing. It’s not that I don’t plan. It’s the fact that I’m only 19, going on 20 in a month and a half, and I just don’t want to be that person who wasted so much time and life force planning and worrying about if San Francisco was a good place to live or not. I understand fully that I must deal with what is at hand. That I should look ahead and make sure that I’m making somewhat good decisions and be aware of where the future could take me.

However, it’s in these very moments when I’m doing nothing but absolutely absorbing the best music that I own, that I want nothing more than to slow down. I suppose that I’m a little to sentimental to live in the future. I mean, I’ve cried on every birthday of mine since I was six. It’s not that I’m afraid of getting old. It’s the fact that I’m afraid of all the time that I may have lost. The things that I want to do and have yet to accomplish. I don’t want to have a “bucket list” when I’m on my death bed. I want to be completely free to die. That sounds so depressing, yet so relieving. I think it would mean to me that I actually did what I wanted with my life instead of doing what people thought would bring the most wealth or prosperity to my life.

I’m studying to be an actor. When people ask what I’m in school for, they tend to follow my answer with, “Oh, well, what else can you do, you know, for a back-up plan, in case?” In my opinion, I have a lot of options, but there is absolutely nothing that they need to know if they have to ask that question, and in fact, that just proves that they don’t know me, and have no idea what I’m capable of.(NOTE: I’m not speaking of casual conversations, I’m speaking of people close to me that have had to ask this. I believe that people do this, because in their eyes, they must know that the rest of the world will either be (A) unhappy as they are now, (B) stable and strong as the bubble that they live in, or (C) they may simply just want to know, out of curiosity, because there may be something else that they want out of life.)

Even if my family and friends seem uneasy about my ambitions, I tend to write it off for a while, because that is not what is at hand. In reality, I believe that the only thing that truly holds us back from really living, from living to the extent of what we truly desire, is ourselves. We say that people don’t support us because they say that there is no “profitable future” for us.

Well, who said we had to listen?

Honestly, I’ve realized within myself that the only thing that I let hold me back is my past, myself. I know that’s cliche, but it’s so true. I’m not saying that it’s a good idea to be stupid about our lives, but I am saying that there are far too many unsatisfied people in this world that do not realize that they have the power to change that feeling of resentment towards their lives.

Do what you want, what makes you happy, and what you’ll love. That doesn’t have to be one thing. It could be a multitude of interests. Whether it really is being a stay-at-home mom, or being a photographer, or a musician, or a business man/woman. There are no restrictions.

This is possibly all being said because I am just 19 and I’m a little defiant and rebellious, young and disillusioned, and also, I might read a little too much between the lines.

But maybe I have a point.

And maybe the point isn’t always to move forward into the future, maybe it’s just to move. Move constantly, until you are satisfied. It’s okay if it takes a while.

Goodnight.

I’m finding more and more that I have less patience than I used to. I can’t figure out if this is because it’s getting to be the end of the year, if I have no energy left spend on stupidity and people that choose to waste my time and theirs, or if it because I’m simply turning into an impatient person.

When one really thinks about it, we wait all the time. We wait for Monday to pass and the weekend to come. We wait for a movie to come out or an artist’s new album. We wait for people to come around or make up their minds. We wait for something to happen. We wait for an appropriate time to fall asleep. We wait for the very last minute to arrive so we can leave or finally begin the work on something that is long past due. Crazy enough, when we finally ask for something to happen in our lives, the wrong thing happens and sends us into a spiral of overwhelming emotions. Is it worse to have that reaction than to have no emotion and embrace a total apathetic attitude towards every situation because you have simply been “waiting too long”?

For most things, we are more than happy to wait for because sometimes waiting is excitement and intrigue.

Sometimes waiting is just a pure hell.

For those situations do we endure the waiting with patience? Or does that really make it worse? Is patience truly a “virtue” or is it just a lie that we’ve been told in order to shut us up? Frankly, I’m bored with patience. But what can you do when there is nothing to but wait? If we could speed ahead and find out what actually happens in the end then we’d only be defying time and consequently making it worse for ourselves. Then again, maybe not. Maybe its best to know when something is going to happen as opposed to what is going to happen.

Especially with all this talk of the 2012 phenomenon (which I think is ridiculous, personally) people are even more inclined to attempt to look ahead and plan and prepare. Isn’t the saying, “something will happen when you least expect it”? Then I have a question, what do you do when you are always least expecting, always attempting to be patient, and trying to conjure your own happenings? This seems to be my present problem. Now I think that just makes me sound boring and complacent with being so. Which I’m not. I mean, I don’t think that I’m boring or happy with it.

So I guess now the question is, why not do something about it? The problem is that the things that I have to do are things that I do not have the desire to do at this moment, and as I stated before, I will wait until the last moment to do those things and even then I will still not be happy to do them. The things that I actually want to do, I cannot. Technically, anyway. I’m tired of the people who won’t leave me alone and I don’t get enough of the people whom I rarely get to see or talk to. I feel the same way about the things that I have to do all the time and the things that I rarely have time to do. Yet, I sit here complaining of having waiting time.

Perhaps I am just a wired person who is absolutely ready for the year to be finished. The one who is ready for another weekend before Saturday is even over. Then again, maybe it’s just been a really slow day, and I feel as though nothing productive has come out of it.

I’m not sure.

Goodnight.

The difference between what we need and want is clear. However, situations, people, and simple disruptions in our lives don’t always make it clear.

Maybe what we wish for the most is what we were never meant to have, and maybe what we hope for the least is what we really need.

I’ve said it before in a previous blog, but I have a new situation.

I don’t know.

So, what do you do when you don’t know what you desire, or what you hope for? What do you do when you’re not even sure about what you need?

I think that we can only look back and see what we’ve had or have now. Then again, not everything is the same, and people apparently change. If those things or that person made us happy or unhappy, either way, we are going to base several decisions off of those experiences. That still doesn’t answer our desires though. I mean, what happens when people don’t change? What if the person going unchanged is you?

Then you don’t realize it, except when it’s too late to prove anything to anyone. All the waiting you did, was really your own time that you should have just done something about. You’ve just been in a spot where waiting means some piece of mind, but then it ends up messing you up all over again. It’s a vicious cycle.

In the end, there is only one question: Is there anything to be done about the things we want and need? We obviously can’t have both. So what are we willing to sacrifice for the other? What does that change?

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we technically need physiological needs first, then safety and security needs, after that comes the loving and belonging needs, self-esteem needs, and finally the self-actualization. I feel like there’s some sort of a “secret need” that is different for everyone. It’s a perfect mix between what we need and what we desire. Perhaps it is unattainable. For now, for me, that is exactly what it seems like.

It is a never ending circle, and I think we all just have to accept that at certain moments and situations in our lives. We always want what we can’t have, and we usually under-appreciate all that we do have. That, I believe, is changeable.

Goodnight.

I was driving through Dallas the other day, and my attention was called to a billboard. Shocker there, but this one was new, I had not seen it before. It was had a black background with a black and white picture of Brian Welch (former guitarist of the band, Korn) next to his picture it said, ‘I AM SECOND’. I was curious as to what this meant, especially since, last I heard, Brian Welch was off the map. Granted, I’m not a Korn fan anyway, so i don’t really keep up.

My dad told me that it was this new campaign, to get people to realize that God is first, we are second. Don’t stop reading, please, this is extendable to even those who put their faith in something else.

He said that it had several famous people that were beginning to back up this campaign. People who have/still do struggled/struggle with drug addiction, family abuse, creating a relationship with God, or re-evaluating it, etc. are stating that they are second to God. They say that they are second because God created them, God has a plan for them, and God loves them. 

The campaign’s exact statement is as follows:
I am second is a movement where significance in life is a shared value among people of all kinds. I am second is designed to help people discover their purpose in life.

To discover more about the campaign and where it states that God fits in, go to the website and watch the videos or read some of other people’s stories at www.iamsecond.com

On to my point. 
So I’m driving and thinking about this campaign. Personally, I know how I could apply it to my beliefs and my faith. Most of the time I allow myself to get caught up in what this world provides me and begin to ignore what God is providing me. I do not profess to have the perfect relationship that I strive for, and in fact, I can not say that my  journey to acquire that relationship is perfect, stable, or even.  I think though, when I realize that God is so much bigger than me, that He knows my every thought, every moment, I feel ashamed at how selfish I am.

I think that this campaign can make anyone think about their place in life. I’m not pushing my beliefs onto others, that’s the last thing I want to do. I’m simply asking everyone to realize that we do not run the world, that no matter who or what you believe, there is no way that we are always first.

If we think of our family members or friends, or someone we love, we put them first, or we should, I feel. I think that when everything gets insane or we simply become lazy, our priorities tend to get messed up and rearranged in a way that makes no one happy. If we are putting work, drugs, the past, the future, dreams, goals, or even ourselves before these people that we claim to love, then how is it that we gain any satisfaction from ourselves? I don’t think that it should be that way.

I’m not saying let everyone walk all over you. I’m saying that we should think about what we are putting in front of everything else. What are we making a priority right now? Is that fair to you? To your loved ones?

I’m realizing that I’ve had a lot of moments in my life when I haven’t put everyone else first, when I’ve over looked my friend’s and my family’s needs, and completely taken what I wanted instead. I can tell you now that I am still doing that. I am also telling you that I’m going to try to change that.

No matter where we put our faith or our beliefs, there is still the question of our purpose in life. Everyone is here to do something, yes, everyone. I think that by beginning to put others before us, we can realize that purpose.

I know what I want to change. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with the way anyone else lives. In fact, my blog can never be read again but, I would like to be so bold to say that we should really think about where we are in our lives. Where we want to go and what our priorities need to be, because everything we do affects someone else in good and bad ways.

Just think about it.

www.iamsecond.com

Goodnight.

It’s the night before the week of finals. I’ve been studying and writing and studying and writing all weekend long. Therefore, I’m not very happy with the people who are praying for an ice storm so that they can delay finals. No. I want to get all my exams done so that I can actually enjoy Christmas break. Unlike last year, when we actually did have finals moved because of an ice storm and had to stay here longer than planned.

This is ridiculous.

Seriously? I mean, you’ve had a whole semester to do those papers, those projects, and those monologues. Listen kids, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, not all of us really enjoy staying at college for an extra four days just so you can procrastinate more and complain, yet again, when it’s the night before finals and you still haven’t done your stuff.

Do your work.

goodnight.

I had my ipod on shuffle today and it went to one of those songs that I haven’t listened to since my freshman year of high school. It’s a good song, I’ve just never gone back to it. I have found that we tell ourselves to not live in the past. We have to move forward and live in the present. Then there’s all those movies and books that tell us to “go back to the start” and we try. I just don’t think that’s possible. I think that you just have to start now. Not have a new beginning, because that’s technically and scientifically impossible. However, we can start now and have a new ending. 

Edgar Allan Poe wrote in the Imp of the Perverse:

“…a task before us which must be speedily performed. We know that it will be ruinous to make delay. The most important crisis of our life calls for immediate energy and action. We put it off until tomorrow. Why? Tomorrow arrives and with it a more impatient anxiety to do our duty, but with this very increase of anxiety arrives, also, a nameless, a positively fearful, unfathomable craving for delay. Finally, the old energy returns. We will labour now. Alas, it is too late.” 

So we wait because of fear. We are held back by fear. Why is it so hard to overcome? There is a slim chance that the answers might be the ones that you actually want.

This song that came on was 23 by Jimmy Eat World. In the song it says, “You’ll sit alone forever, if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for?”

It hit me. Right then. Why am I holding back? What is holding me back? Why? I’m beginning to think that it’s all me. I’m holding me back. I have to ask myself the question, what do I have to lose?

I despise that question. I hate it. I means nothing to me. But there is so much in it. I have everything and nothing to lose. You can’t lose what you don’t have. Maybe it’s my trust or lack thereof in people that stops me from taking a risk.

This seems so juvenile. I know. I just think that if I don’t act now, everything that I have hoped for will be gone. I don’t want to have to try and evaluate later if why certain things did or did not happen is all my fault.

I can not seem to come to a conclusion. So,

goodnight.

I’m not a political guru, nor do I claim to know everything that is going on in our country, however, I do know what gets on my nerves.

I am a college student, which means I spend more time on facebook than I do talking to my parents.

After Barack Obama was elected, there were cheers all over my campus (we’re a performing arts school, what did you expect? Conservatives?). This is awesome, I’m glad that people are happy about the future of America. After all, that’s what its about.

However, not one second later, I saw several facebook status updates that declared “I’m moving to Canada, this stupid country is not worth it anymore.” or grammatically incorrect statements such as “I’m so happy to be apart of history!” NOTE: I’ve just come back from spending 5 hours at the library, I am in no tolerance of stupid mistakes on a phrase that should be spelled “a part”.

I saw several of these statements on moving to another country and how America is stupid, and I thought to myself, these are the people that were voting, really? I’m not denying anyone and their right to vote, but seriously, if they don’t have enough faith in our country to begin with, then heck, they should move to Canada and stay there.

The thing that I don’t think those people realize, is that our new president is not the only one that controls our government. Thank you, checks and balances. Besides, we all know that those people are going to get used to it. Over the next four years, they are not going to get up every morning and say, “Gee, the election of 2008 sure didn’t go the way I wanted, I really hate America.”

My words to those people: get over it.

There is nothing technically legal that they can do or say that can change the decision that America has made.

I leave you all with this:

Those who are happy, then congratulations.

Those who are angry and are not handling it with maturity, then I say, get over it, or leave, because this country does not need, for sure, a ton of people that are negative and hateful. It is what it is. Done.

We were given the right to vote because it is a responsibility we have to our country and to each other. The voting age is eighteen because that is when we all technically become adults. So start acting like it, everyone. I include the everyone from the over-happy Obama supporters who are rubbing the results in others’ faces to the angry McCain supporters who are complaining about America in that statement.

And for those of you who believe in God, remember that His thoughts are higher than ours. There is a grand plan that we know nothing about.

NOTE: I’m trying to be unbiased. I am not denying anyone or their right to an opinion, simply the way they are handling the results.

Goodnight.

It’s odd how the people you thought that you would rely on the most, are the ones that let you down in the worst ways. You expect so much more of them.  It’s crazy how the people you claimed to love are not the kind that love back. Isn’t funny when the rules you have are broken the second you think they won’t be? It’s so insane how when we hope for answers so much, and then when we get them, we say “That’s all”?

I think it’s just odd. Completely odd. People that I have put my  utmost trust in, are the ones who have betrayed me. The people whom I thought the world of, I now feel sorrow for and am disgusted by them because of their stupid decisions in life that have been more than consistent. I hate how sometimes, the thing we strive for the most, when we are rewarded with it, it is not fulfilling enough. What we cannot have is what we really want. When we get our way, we are simply delusional because I believe that we never want what we think we want.

Maybe what we wish for the most, is what we were never meant to have, and maybe what we hope for the least, is what we really need.

Are we supposed to fight for all of it anyway? When life keeps telling us “No”? Or are we supposed to sit and wait until it changes? What if we are mean to intervene and confront these people, these situations? Or do we just accept it, and move on?

Personally, I have trouble doing all of the above. I can’t just leave the people I care about, but I’m afraid that fighting for them might push them away. It’s never the right time to confront them, but I am too impatient to wait for them to change. We can’t make people change. It is their choice.

I know I am not alone in these thoughts, I know that this kind of thing happens all the time. I am sure that other people feel this way as well.

And then, sometimes, I just have to sit back and think, sometimes, life is funny. Sometimes, life just is what it is. Life just happens sometimes, and we have to accept, but also find the difference between life’s path and the choices of those people. It’s all intertwined.

I have no conclusion to leave with you today. There are no answers. No final statements to finish my argument. No good-nights or goodbyes. I have no summaries. I have no solutions.

My friends and I like to joke that I don’t believe in love.

I mean, I do, for other people, I just don’t really believe it exists for me. Maybe I’m just a huge cynic, and no, I’m not completely heartless, I’ve just experienced life a bit differently.

Yes, I have been in love, I just didn’t understand it. And I believe that there are different kinds of love. There’s the kind of love you have for family, friends, religion, relationships, etc.

I’m not someone who hates the world and believes that no one will ever be happy. I’m just someone who hasn’t really figured out my standing on the whole concept of love.

Until the other night when me and my roommates were watching a movie (it was Made of Honor). My roommate came in with the guy she’s dating and he laughed and said that he couldn’t believe that someone like me was watching a chick flick. All of us exchanged some witty banter about me being cynical blah blah. Finally it just popped in my head, I just stopped everything and said, “I believe in love. It exists, no doubt about that, and yeah, I think it’s wonderful, but I just don’t trust it. I do not trust love.”

I’ve decided that for now, I am satisfied with that answer because its just the truth. Why should I trust love? I don’t have to. Love isn’t all you need, its all you want to need, at least for me. And all of you can leave reading this, saying that I’m wrong, or hateful, which just isn’t true.

I think that right now, this is what I have to choose to believe in order to cope with all the things and people in my life. It might change tomorrow, in a week, month, years even, but that’s one of the things I can’t trust about love, it changes all the time.

But sometimes, change is good, it all just depends on the circumstances.

Your first year in college, you do the random draw for roommates. Usually, you get someone that you can live with. I didn’t. I had two awesome roommates and one…with a different personality. The four of us, got through the year. Barely.

This year, my sophomore year, I have been blessed to have at least three friends I can room with. They’re awesome.

I just think it’s funny. There is no evidence of me in the living area of our dorm. Brooke has decked it out in pink, Lauren has added her exercise stuff (including a weighted hula-hoop, which is awesome), and Lisa has contributed her scrapbooks and fruit bowl. Me? I put a banana in the fruit bowl. Decorating on my part? Done.

I’m not bubbly and I don’t feel the need to coordinate all the time. Yes, our living room is adorable. Yes, it is a good place to chill. Would it be the same without the decorating? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Maybe I’m just simple minded. Or schizophrenic when it comes to decorating. Either way, you walk into any of my roomates bedrooms and they all have a theme. Lisa’s is animal prints, Brooke’s is bright colors, and Lauren’s is stripes. Mine? One vinyl leaning on top of my bulletin board: Mellow Yellow – Donovan. A comforter thing from Ikea, and my guitar in the corner.

Sure, I would love to have my room become awesome over night.

Then again, I’m only here for 8 months and by the time I figured out something, I’d be heading back home to my unfinished, black and white theme of a room in Texas.