The thing is, maybe you’d be the one to change me.

Not anymore. Not anymore.

No topic. Psychological and emotional dumping is what is at hand, so have at it.

I don’t understand beautiful people.

Isn’t it funny? I think that I am better than everyone else, but always want to be more than myself.

This is panic at its finest. Everything is fine. Everything is tamed. No worries, right?

I know that someone I know is reading this, and the next thing they will say are the following: “Are you okay? Do you want to talk? I’m always here for you. You’re wonderful, don’t forget that.”

(insert sarcastic tone here) Please.

1. Who on this good, greenish earth is “okay”?

2. No, I want to not talk and be understood.

3. No, no. You’re not, not really

4. Thanks, but the sentiment is lost on me.

Oh, the pains of being the glue, the rock, the “strong, silent type”

Seriously, I would like to hand out a card to some people that just says “grow a pair.”

I would like to freely draw a line through any kind of committment. Anything that I cannot run from anytime I want, I really don’t want a part of. You know everyone says, “Oh, if you want out, I understand.” Yeah, right. You understand like you’ll call me up in two years and blame me for the tears in your fruity mixed drink that night.

Oh, no. I’m flattering myself again. Too much credit.

Nope, sorry. Today is not the day for you to give me constructive criticism. Also, I hope you know that when you evaluate me, my work, my art, or my performances, I can tell when you lie.

You didn’t say it, but

I heard disappointment, boredom, lack of interest, and judgement.

I’m sorry, what have you done lately?

So on behalf of my brain, my youthful, stubborn, higher-than-thou ways, I see all of this justified.

Because I never talk about anything to anyone.

I can’t really, truly express anything to anyone these days, anyway. So half of this post was probably a lie too. Guess that’s for me to know. That way, I still get personal satisfaction of keeping my secrets. After all, we really don’t anyone to know us, do we? Hard. Cold. Truth.

That felt good. I recommend you do the same.

Thank you, and goodnight.

I spent some time talking with my parents about “the future”. A topic that included everything from how alive and well I would be to where I would live in 5 years and what I would be doing. It’s not that I don’t plan. It’s the fact that I’m only 19, going on 20 in a month and a half, and I just don’t want to be that person who wasted so much time and life force planning and worrying about if San Francisco was a good place to live or not. I understand fully that I must deal with what is at hand. That I should look ahead and make sure that I’m making somewhat good decisions and be aware of where the future could take me.

However, it’s in these very moments when I’m doing nothing but absolutely absorbing the best music that I own, that I want nothing more than to slow down. I suppose that I’m a little to sentimental to live in the future. I mean, I’ve cried on every birthday of mine since I was six. It’s not that I’m afraid of getting old. It’s the fact that I’m afraid of all the time that I may have lost. The things that I want to do and have yet to accomplish. I don’t want to have a “bucket list” when I’m on my death bed. I want to be completely free to die. That sounds so depressing, yet so relieving. I think it would mean to me that I actually did what I wanted with my life instead of doing what people thought would bring the most wealth or prosperity to my life.

I’m studying to be an actor. When people ask what I’m in school for, they tend to follow my answer with, “Oh, well, what else can you do, you know, for a back-up plan, in case?” In my opinion, I have a lot of options, but there is absolutely nothing that they need to know if they have to ask that question, and in fact, that just proves that they don’t know me, and have no idea what I’m capable of.(NOTE: I’m not speaking of casual conversations, I’m speaking of people close to me that have had to ask this. I believe that people do this, because in their eyes, they must know that the rest of the world will either be (A) unhappy as they are now, (B) stable and strong as the bubble that they live in, or (C) they may simply just want to know, out of curiosity, because there may be something else that they want out of life.)

Even if my family and friends seem uneasy about my ambitions, I tend to write it off for a while, because that is not what is at hand. In reality, I believe that the only thing that truly holds us back from really living, from living to the extent of what we truly desire, is ourselves. We say that people don’t support us because they say that there is no “profitable future” for us.

Well, who said we had to listen?

Honestly, I’ve realized within myself that the only thing that I let hold me back is my past, myself. I know that’s cliche, but it’s so true. I’m not saying that it’s a good idea to be stupid about our lives, but I am saying that there are far too many unsatisfied people in this world that do not realize that they have the power to change that feeling of resentment towards their lives.

Do what you want, what makes you happy, and what you’ll love. That doesn’t have to be one thing. It could be a multitude of interests. Whether it really is being a stay-at-home mom, or being a photographer, or a musician, or a business man/woman. There are no restrictions.

This is possibly all being said because I am just 19 and I’m a little defiant and rebellious, young and disillusioned, and also, I might read a little too much between the lines.

But maybe I have a point.

And maybe the point isn’t always to move forward into the future, maybe it’s just to move. Move constantly, until you are satisfied. It’s okay if it takes a while.

Goodnight.

When one really thinks about it, we wait all the time. We wait for Monday to pass and the weekend to come. We wait for a movie to come out or an artist’s new album. We wait for people to come around or make up their minds. We wait for something to happen. We wait for an appropriate time to fall asleep. We wait for the very last minute to arrive so we can leave or finally begin the work on something that is long past due. Crazy enough, when we finally ask for something to happen in our lives, the wrong thing happens and sends us into a spiral of overwhelming emotions. Is it worse to have that reaction than to have no emotion and embrace a total apathetic attitude towards every situation because you have simply been “waiting too long”?

For most things, we are more than happy to wait for because sometimes waiting is excitement and intrigue.

Sometimes waiting is just a pure hell.

For those situations do we endure the waiting with patience? Or does that really make it worse? Is patience truly a “virtue” or is it just a lie that we’ve been told in order to shut us up? Frankly, I’m bored with patience. But what can you do when there is nothing to but wait? If we could speed ahead and find out what actually happens in the end then we’d only be defying time and consequently making it worse for ourselves. Then again, maybe not. Maybe its best to know when something is going to happen as opposed to what is going to happen.

Especially with all this talk of the 2012 phenomenon (which I think is ridiculous, personally) people are even more inclined to attempt to look ahead and plan and prepare. Isn’t the saying, “something will happen when you least expect it”? Then I have a question, what do you do when you are always least expecting, always attempting to be patient, and trying to conjure your own happenings? This seems to be my present problem. Now I think that just makes me sound boring and complacent with being so. Which I’m not. I mean, I don’t think that I’m boring or happy with it.

So I guess now the question is, why not do something about it? The problem is that the things that I have to do are things that I do not have the desire to do at this moment, and as I stated before, I will wait until the last moment to do those things and even then I will still not be happy to do them. The things that I actually want to do, I cannot. Technically, anyway. I’m tired of the people who won’t leave me alone and I don’t get enough of the people whom I rarely get to see or talk to. I feel the same way about the things that I have to do all the time and the things that I rarely have time to do. Yet, I sit here complaining of having waiting time.

Perhaps I am just a wired person who is absolutely ready for the year to be finished. The one who is ready for another weekend before Saturday is even over. Then again, maybe it’s just been a really slow day, and I feel as though nothing productive has come out of it.

I’m not sure.

Goodnight.

Maybe what we wish for the most is what we were never meant to have, and maybe what we hope for the least is what we really need.

I’ve said it before in a previous blog, but I have a new situation.

I don’t know.

So, what do you do when you don’t know what you desire, or what you hope for? What do you do when you’re not even sure about what you need?

I think that we can only look back and see what we’ve had or have now. Then again, not everything is the same, and people apparently change. If those things or that person made us happy or unhappy, either way, we are going to base several decisions off of those experiences. That still doesn’t answer our desires though. I mean, what happens when people don’t change? What if the person going unchanged is you?

Then you don’t realize it, except when it’s too late to prove anything to anyone. All the waiting you did, was really your own time that you should have just done something about. You’ve just been in a spot where waiting means some piece of mind, but then it ends up messing you up all over again. It’s a vicious cycle.

In the end, there is only one question: Is there anything to be done about the things we want and need? We obviously can’t have both. So what are we willing to sacrifice for the other? What does that change?

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we technically need physiological needs first, then safety and security needs, after that comes the loving and belonging needs, self-esteem needs, and finally the self-actualization. I feel like there’s some sort of a “secret need” that is different for everyone. It’s a perfect mix between what we need and what we desire. Perhaps it is unattainable. For now, for me, that is exactly what it seems like.

It is a never ending circle, and I think we all just have to accept that at certain moments and situations in our lives. We always want what we can’t have, and we usually under-appreciate all that we do have. That, I believe, is changeable.

Goodnight.

My dad told me that it was this new campaign, to get people to realize that God is first, we are second. Don’t stop reading, please, this is extendable to even those who put their faith in something else.

He said that it had several famous people that were beginning to back up this campaign. People who have/still do struggled/struggle with drug addiction, family abuse, creating a relationship with God, or re-evaluating it, etc. are stating that they are second to God. They say that they are second because God created them, God has a plan for them, and God loves them. 

The campaign’s exact statement is as follows:
I am second is a movement where significance in life is a shared value among people of all kinds. I am second is designed to help people discover their purpose in life.

To discover more about the campaign and where it states that God fits in, go to the website and watch the videos or read some of other people’s stories at www.iamsecond.com

On to my point. 
So I’m driving and thinking about this campaign. Personally, I know how I could apply it to my beliefs and my faith. Most of the time I allow myself to get caught up in what this world provides me and begin to ignore what God is providing me. I do not profess to have the perfect relationship that I strive for, and in fact, I can not say that my  journey to acquire that relationship is perfect, stable, or even.  I think though, when I realize that God is so much bigger than me, that He knows my every thought, every moment, I feel ashamed at how selfish I am.

I think that this campaign can make anyone think about their place in life. I’m not pushing my beliefs onto others, that’s the last thing I want to do. I’m simply asking everyone to realize that we do not run the world, that no matter who or what you believe, there is no way that we are always first.

If we think of our family members or friends, or someone we love, we put them first, or we should, I feel. I think that when everything gets insane or we simply become lazy, our priorities tend to get messed up and rearranged in a way that makes no one happy. If we are putting work, drugs, the past, the future, dreams, goals, or even ourselves before these people that we claim to love, then how is it that we gain any satisfaction from ourselves? I don’t think that it should be that way.

I’m not saying let everyone walk all over you. I’m saying that we should think about what we are putting in front of everything else. What are we making a priority right now? Is that fair to you? To your loved ones?

I’m realizing that I’ve had a lot of moments in my life when I haven’t put everyone else first, when I’ve over looked my friend’s and my family’s needs, and completely taken what I wanted instead. I can tell you now that I am still doing that. I am also telling you that I’m going to try to change that.

No matter where we put our faith or our beliefs, there is still the question of our purpose in life. Everyone is here to do something, yes, everyone. I think that by beginning to put others before us, we can realize that purpose.

I know what I want to change. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with the way anyone else lives. In fact, my blog can never be read again but, I would like to be so bold to say that we should really think about where we are in our lives. Where we want to go and what our priorities need to be, because everything we do affects someone else in good and bad ways.

Just think about it.

www.iamsecond.com

Goodnight.

This is ridiculous.

Seriously? I mean, you’ve had a whole semester to do those papers, those projects, and those monologues. Listen kids, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, not all of us really enjoy staying at college for an extra four days just so you can procrastinate more and complain, yet again, when it’s the night before finals and you still haven’t done your stuff.

Do your work.

goodnight.

Edgar Allan Poe wrote in the Imp of the Perverse:

“…a task before us which must be speedily performed. We know that it will be ruinous to make delay. The most important crisis of our life calls for immediate energy and action. We put it off until tomorrow. Why? Tomorrow arrives and with it a more impatient anxiety to do our duty, but with this very increase of anxiety arrives, also, a nameless, a positively fearful, unfathomable craving for delay. Finally, the old energy returns. We will labour now. Alas, it is too late.” 

So we wait because of fear. We are held back by fear. Why is it so hard to overcome? There is a slim chance that the answers might be the ones that you actually want.

This song that came on was 23 by Jimmy Eat World. In the song it says, “You’ll sit alone forever, if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for?”

It hit me. Right then. Why am I holding back? What is holding me back? Why? I’m beginning to think that it’s all me. I’m holding me back. I have to ask myself the question, what do I have to lose?

I despise that question. I hate it. I means nothing to me. But there is so much in it. I have everything and nothing to lose. You can’t lose what you don’t have. Maybe it’s my trust or lack thereof in people that stops me from taking a risk.

This seems so juvenile. I know. I just think that if I don’t act now, everything that I have hoped for will be gone. I don’t want to have to try and evaluate later if why certain things did or did not happen is all my fault.

I can not seem to come to a conclusion. So,

goodnight.

I am a college student, which means I spend more time on facebook than I do talking to my parents.

After Barack Obama was elected, there were cheers all over my campus (we’re a performing arts school, what did you expect? Conservatives?). This is awesome, I’m glad that people are happy about the future of America. After all, that’s what its about.

However, not one second later, I saw several facebook status updates that declared “I’m moving to Canada, this stupid country is not worth it anymore.” or grammatically incorrect statements such as “I’m so happy to be apart of history!” NOTE: I’ve just come back from spending 5 hours at the library, I am in no tolerance of stupid mistakes on a phrase that should be spelled “a part”.

I saw several of these statements on moving to another country and how America is stupid, and I thought to myself, these are the people that were voting, really? I’m not denying anyone and their right to vote, but seriously, if they don’t have enough faith in our country to begin with, then heck, they should move to Canada and stay there.

The thing that I don’t think those people realize, is that our new president is not the only one that controls our government. Thank you, checks and balances. Besides, we all know that those people are going to get used to it. Over the next four years, they are not going to get up every morning and say, “Gee, the election of 2008 sure didn’t go the way I wanted, I really hate America.”

My words to those people: get over it.

There is nothing technically legal that they can do or say that can change the decision that America has made.

I leave you all with this:

Those who are happy, then congratulations.

Those who are angry and are not handling it with maturity, then I say, get over it, or leave, because this country does not need, for sure, a ton of people that are negative and hateful. It is what it is. Done.

We were given the right to vote because it is a responsibility we have to our country and to each other. The voting age is eighteen because that is when we all technically become adults. So start acting like it, everyone. I include the everyone from the over-happy Obama supporters who are rubbing the results in others’ faces to the angry McCain supporters who are complaining about America in that statement.

And for those of you who believe in God, remember that His thoughts are higher than ours. There is a grand plan that we know nothing about.

NOTE: I’m trying to be unbiased. I am not denying anyone or their right to an opinion, simply the way they are handling the results.

Goodnight.

I think it’s just odd. Completely odd. People that I have put my  utmost trust in, are the ones who have betrayed me. The people whom I thought the world of, I now feel sorrow for and am disgusted by them because of their stupid decisions in life that have been more than consistent. I hate how sometimes, the thing we strive for the most, when we are rewarded with it, it is not fulfilling enough. What we cannot have is what we really want. When we get our way, we are simply delusional because I believe that we never want what we think we want.

Maybe what we wish for the most, is what we were never meant to have, and maybe what we hope for the least, is what we really need.

Are we supposed to fight for all of it anyway? When life keeps telling us “No”? Or are we supposed to sit and wait until it changes? What if we are mean to intervene and confront these people, these situations? Or do we just accept it, and move on?

Personally, I have trouble doing all of the above. I can’t just leave the people I care about, but I’m afraid that fighting for them might push them away. It’s never the right time to confront them, but I am too impatient to wait for them to change. We can’t make people change. It is their choice.

I know I am not alone in these thoughts, I know that this kind of thing happens all the time. I am sure that other people feel this way as well.

And then, sometimes, I just have to sit back and think, sometimes, life is funny. Sometimes, life just is what it is. Life just happens sometimes, and we have to accept, but also find the difference between life’s path and the choices of those people. It’s all intertwined.

I have no conclusion to leave with you today. There are no answers. No final statements to finish my argument. No good-nights or goodbyes. I have no summaries. I have no solutions.