Hysterics.
Everyone seems to be in a rush. A rush to get through college, or find their life purpose right now. I can’t do that to myself.
I spent some time talking with my parents about “the future”. A topic that included everything from how alive and well I would be to where I would live in 5 years and what I would be doing. It’s not that I don’t plan. It’s the fact that I’m only 19, going on 20 in a month and a half, and I just don’t want to be that person who wasted so much time and life force planning and worrying about if San Francisco was a good place to live or not. I understand fully that I must deal with what is at hand. That I should look ahead and make sure that I’m making somewhat good decisions and be aware of where the future could take me.
However, it’s in these very moments when I’m doing nothing but absolutely absorbing the best music that I own, that I want nothing more than to slow down. I suppose that I’m a little to sentimental to live in the future. I mean, I’ve cried on every birthday of mine since I was six. It’s not that I’m afraid of getting old. It’s the fact that I’m afraid of all the time that I may have lost. The things that I want to do and have yet to accomplish. I don’t want to have a “bucket list” when I’m on my death bed. I want to be completely free to die. That sounds so depressing, yet so relieving. I think it would mean to me that I actually did what I wanted with my life instead of doing what people thought would bring the most wealth or prosperity to my life.
I’m studying to be an actor. When people ask what I’m in school for, they tend to follow my answer with, “Oh, well, what else can you do, you know, for a back-up plan, in case?” In my opinion, I have a lot of options, but there is absolutely nothing that they need to know if they have to ask that question, and in fact, that just proves that they don’t know me, and have no idea what I’m capable of.(NOTE: I’m not speaking of casual conversations, I’m speaking of people close to me that have had to ask this. I believe that people do this, because in their eyes, they must know that the rest of the world will either be (A) unhappy as they are now, (B) stable and strong as the bubble that they live in, or (C) they may simply just want to know, out of curiosity, because there may be something else that they want out of life.)
Even if my family and friends seem uneasy about my ambitions, I tend to write it off for a while, because that is not what is at hand. In reality, I believe that the only thing that truly holds us back from really living, from living to the extent of what we truly desire, is ourselves. We say that people don’t support us because they say that there is no “profitable future” for us.
Well, who said we had to listen?
Honestly, I’ve realized within myself that the only thing that I let hold me back is my past, myself. I know that’s cliche, but it’s so true. I’m not saying that it’s a good idea to be stupid about our lives, but I am saying that there are far too many unsatisfied people in this world that do not realize that they have the power to change that feeling of resentment towards their lives.
Do what you want, what makes you happy, and what you’ll love. That doesn’t have to be one thing. It could be a multitude of interests. Whether it really is being a stay-at-home mom, or being a photographer, or a musician, or a business man/woman. There are no restrictions.
This is possibly all being said because I am just 19 and I’m a little defiant and rebellious, young and disillusioned, and also, I might read a little too much between the lines.
But maybe I have a point.
And maybe the point isn’t always to move forward into the future, maybe it’s just to move. Move constantly, until you are satisfied. It’s okay if it takes a while.
Goodnight.
